Don't Raise a Wimp! -Galations 4:17

Don't Raise a Wimp!
By Paul Coughlin
CBN.com – Popular author and speaker Paul Coughlin has tackled the topics of passive men and passive marriages. Now he’s adding another: passive children.
The author feels that today's children are more worried and fearful than children of previous generations, and that parents are raising some of the culture’s wimpiest kids. Yet this father of three presents parents with good news: Raising assertive and confident children is still possible in today’s world.
Through his book he hopes to expel the myth that raising meek and mild children is the Christian way to do things. Instead, he proposes giving children the whole truth of who Jesus was—the ruggedly righteous man—and encouraging them to live as he did.
By showing parents how to shape confident and virtuous children, he is equipping parents to raise a “new class” of children, instilling in them the glorifying virtues of toughness, wisdom, and courage. Because parenting is more than just raising “nice” kids—it’s passing along the tools to help them live a happy and more abundant life, no matter how old they get.
What caused you to write a book that encourages parents, especially Christian parents, to raise more assertive and bold children?
It started with my work with Christian men who think it’s wrong to be assertive and proactive in life. I noticed that they obtained this dangerous view of life as children, often from well-intentioned Christian parents who told them that a true Christian is nice, but not necessarily good. So I set out to write a book to help parents avoid raising such kids, who often grow up very frustrated, depressed, angry, and eventually divorced.
Aren’t Christian children supposed to be nice?
It depends on what you mean by nice. If you mean kind, considerate, and compassionate, then yes. But many Christian parents unintentionally raise children who become doormats for other kids. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you become a doormat.
You have an entire chapter devoted to the “Dangers of a Nice Christian Upbringing.” This is a provocative idea: what’s wrong with such an upbringing?
It can unintentionally create children who are greatly conflicted inside, kids who think they possess no innate value and worth, and that they possess no special gifts that must be grown instead of denied. We give this view to our children when we give them what’s called “Worm Theology” that mistakes low self-worth for humility.
You write that kids are more timid and fearful these days. Why?
One of the main reasons is overprotection, which is prevalent in many church settings. It robs children of self-assurance, making them timid and fearful as young adults.
Tell us about the difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries and why it’s important to child rearing.
Kids who have a hard time creating healthy boundaries against others sometimes have parents who have a hard time doing the same. The goal is to become assertive. This is where you put up appropriate boundaries toward others, but allow access to your life by the right people: those who do not abuse you. Assertive people don’t manipulate others, nor do they allow themselves to be manipulated.
You write, quoting Jesus, that we’re training our kids to strain gnats and swallow entire camels. Can you give us an example?
Swearing versus bullying is a great example. We tell our kids that it’s wrong to swear, which it is. But we are not telling them that it’s wrong to turn a blind eye to bullying, which has a far greater influence upon the world around them. We will jump all over a kid who says a bad word, yet we won’t even point out when a kid gives in to cowardice.
What are some of the myths about school-based bullying?
The largest is that kids who get bullied wear glasses or are overweight. In reality, the largest predictors of being bullied are being timid and cowardly. They lack self-confidence. They don’t take good-natured teasing, and they don’t play well with other kids. They don’t reach out to other kids, which is often mistaken for being stuck up or arrogant. They are submissive to others even before they get picked on.
You say that our churches don’t encourage courage in our children, the kind needed to stand up to bullies and to stand up for others. How do you support this claim?
Look at Sunday school curriculum or youth group curriculum. They rarely mention courage, which most thinking people agree is the virtue that underpins all other virtues. You cannot love well and deeply without courage, yet we rarely study it. Why? Because courage often leads to some form of conflict. We don’t like conflict.
You have started an organization called The Protectors (theprotectors.org) to create a faith-based response to school-based bullying. Why?
Because people of faith are missing in action. We can’t expect schools alone to tackle this problem. Our communities need people of faith to help stem this form of violence. The Protectors provides curriculum for Sunday schools and related organizations that helps kids understand that they have a biblical responsibility to help others in need.
What are some of the things you teach in The Protectors?
The power of clarity (being clear about the psychological and spiritual harm of bullying), the affirmation of basic rights, clarity through body language, the power of command (words of conviction spoken with boldness), and the power of two.
How does a parent teach a child courage?
Courage is more caught than taught. They need to see it in action, and then for a parent to say, “That’s what courage looks like.” Courage sacrifices for the good of others, a concept that has been dumbed down today to mean any form of risk. We often take risks for our own good, not for the good of others.
We also have to dispel myths about courage. The big one for kids is that courage is created without feeling fear. Fear is always present when we have the choice to do something courageous or not. We also have to clean up our understanding of honor. For some Christians, they think honor is the same as pride. It’s not. Honor is concerned with dignity, justice, loyalty, and fidelity. It is concerned with the well-being of others. We honor the value of others as made in the image of God.
Purchase your copy of No More Jellyfish, Chickens, or Wimps: Raising Secure, Assertive Kids in a Tough World.
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Interview courtesy of Bethany House Publishers.

Don't Let Your Guard Down!

Late one night, the new church member heard a knock at his door. When he answered it, he found a six foot roach on his doorstep. The roach grabbed him, threw him against the wall and left. The next night, the roach came back. This time it punched the surprised new Christian in the stomach. Then the roach came back again a third night. This time, it roughed him up so bad that he had to go to the hospital. Then the new Christian told the doctor what had happened and asked what he should do. "Nothing,"said the doctor. "There's a really nasty bug going around!"

Romans 7:11 tells us,"For sin taking occasion by the commandment,deceived me, and by it killed me","Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21 nkjv

Understanding Proverbs-Part Two...Pastor Bob's Sermon

Understanding Proverbs – Part 2
Okay. How many of us picked a proverb to memorize this past week? How many of us picked a proverb that helped us in our “most stupid” area of life? Did it do us any good?
Today we’re going to look at six proverbs. The first one has to do with the human mouth. This is one that the person sitting next to you really needs to hear about! So … let’s read Proverbs 10:19 together out loud.
When words are many, sin is not absent,
but he who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)

Look at that first phrase again: “When words are many, sin is not absent.” Does this strike us as profoundly true? One of the things that means is, what’s the simplest way to cut down on sin? Stop talking so much!
A loose association … just forgive me for ten seconds. Remember that old TV show, Mr. Ed? In the theme song, it says, “Mr. Ed will never speak … unless he’s got something to say!” That’s why I tell the kids I don’t need no stinkin’ Ipod … it’s all up here!
The point is … how many of us have nothing of substance to say, but that doesn’t stop us at all. We just keep on talking. And the writer of Proverbs says, “When words are many, sin is not absent.”
There’s a book out on the Proverbs called Making Life Work. The author makes the point that it’s as if the writer of the Proverbs believes we can make a graph of the relationship of words to sin. It’s almost mathematically predictable.
So, imagine in your mind, a little graph that we will call the “Sin Predictor Index.” On one axis we have “words.” On the other we have “sin.” Let’s just estimate that the average person says ten thousand words a day. Now, how many verbal sins would that involve? William Back, a Christian psychologist, wrote a book called Telling Ourselves the Truth. He cites research that indicates the average American citizen lies 200 times a day. 200 lies a day. Add to that gossip, slander, anger, bragging, insults, flattery, un-kept promises, intimidation, judgementalism. For the sake of argument, let’s say there’s a ten-to-one ratio of words per sin. Okay? So, if you use ten thousand words a day, that means you’d be committing a thousand sins. If you cut it down to five thousand words, how many sins would you be committing? Five hundred. If you get it all the way down to, let’s say, ten words in a day, how many sins? One! You’ve made a huge gain … and all you’ve done is just shut up! Nine words or less, and you’re a saint! Just think, if this is really true, we all know Dave Forbey is going to hell!
Now, we laugh at this, but it’s serious business. Henri Nouwen writes about this in his book called The Way of the Heart. He tells about the early Christian wisdom figures, the early Church Fathers, who strongly recommended the spiritual discipline of silence; to cut ourselves off from noise, but also to speak as little as possible for specific stretches of time. The number one reason they advocated this is because they believed it is so hard to talk without sinning. Silence as a spiritual discipline.
And when we observe this proverb, an amazing thing happens. We begin to discover that we can live without getting in the last word. We find out that we survived … it’s not easy at first, but we do. We find out we can live without trying to make sure we control how everybody else thinks about us. We find out we can live without winning every argument. We can live without “powering up” over every decision. We can live without always drawing attention to ourselves.
One last observation. If this is your proverb, use wisdom about where you will apply it. If, for instance, you are a husband and you come home from work and your wife wants to connect, soul to soul, and asks you how your day went, you might not want to say, “’When words are many, sin is not absent.’ Proverbs 10:19.” Because if you do, and your wife is wise, she may reply, “Proverbs 25:11; ‘A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.’ Which means, start talking, honey, or I’m going to buy jewelry.”
Next one. Proverbs 19:24. Let’s read this together. “The sluggard buries his hand in the dish; he will not even bring it back to his mouth!”
Have we ever wrestled with procrastination? Do we have any area where we know that God is calling us to diligence and initiative, and we’re just blowing it off?
This is a very colorful proverb. It’s a picture of a person who is so lazy that he puts his hand in the nacho bowl, and decides it’s not worth the energy it will take to transport the food to his mouth. He’s thinking, “Whoa, this is work. I’ll just leave my hand right there. Maybe the wind will blow one of those nachos my way.”
The point is … no one is ever nurtured by laziness. No life ever gets nurtured by laziness. Lack of action, lack of initiative, always leads to loss of life. And, for some of us here this morning, if our area is lack of wisdom, lack of initiative, passivity, procrastination, avoidance, then Proverbs 19:24 may be for us. Just don’t take forever getting ‘round to it! Remember, God wants us to use our energy, our strength, and our abilities for His glory.
Proverbs 10:25. Let’s read it together. “When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever.”
Jesus was immersed in this book of Wisdom. Which one of Jesus’ parables does this verse remind us of? The house on the rock. (Matthew 7:24-27) The house built on the sand … the storm comes … it gets swept away. The house built on the rock, on Jesus’ words, on Wisdom … the storm comes … it stands firm. His parable was actually a commentary on this proverb.
We read this one aloud because some of us here are in the storm right now. You’ve been abandoned or betrayed. You’ve been wiped out by a financial disaster. Somebody you love has died, and there’s a sadness in you you’ve never known. You’re in a depression that just won’t go away. You stay up late at night worrying about a child. You just lost a job. You wonder some days if you can even make it. This is your proverb.
Listen, it doesn’t give us an easy answer, nor does it guarantee that everything will be hunky-dory by tomorrow morning. What it does give is hope that when the storm passes, and it will, those who cling to God will still be standing. And as you meditate on this proverb, you will be encouraged to say, “I’m not going to let go. I don’t care how bad the storm is. It will be over. It will be over in this life, and, if not, it will be in the next. And I will still be standing.” “When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever.”
Next one. Proverbs 12:1; “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.”
This means … we all need to hear the unvarnished truth from people who love us. A fool ignores, even resists, loving correction. One sure sign we are growing in spiritual maturity is that we humbly receive criticism. Now, that doesn’t mean every criticism is right or that we have to agree with it. But a listening ear and a receptive heart honors God.


When we want to become the people God wants us to be, we want to be humble enough to accept and even invite constructive criticism. When we only surround ourselves with people who agree with us and affirm everything we do, we will never grow. Proverbs gives us this powerful word of wisdom: “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” (Proverbs 27:6)
Who can we learn from? Anyone who speaks the truth lovingly. Look at Numbers, chapter 22. It’s the story of Balaam and his talking donkey. That’s a lesson for all of us. If Balaam could learn from a donkey, then God can certainly teach us through all kinds of people. If we are humble and listen, God can instruct us through the most surprising of people … even an … well, that other word for “donkey.”
Okay … moving along. Next proverb.
Proverbs 30:15a; “The leech has two daughters. `Give! Give!' they cry.”
Ever see a leech? Nasty little bloodsuckers! They attach onto a host body with both ends of their soft, slimy little bodies. That’s where that image of “two daughters” comes from. These two daughters constantly cry, “Give, give!” The leech is a taker, and it never gives anything back to its host. A leech never latches on to you and says, “I have a gift I’d like to give you.” Leeches only make withdrawals, never deposits. This proverb is pointing, in a very graphic way, to people who take and take and never learn to give. They are not walking in the way of wisdom.
Know anybody like that? Of course we do. It’s all too easy for the human spirit to become leech-like in its selfishness. So much in our culture pushes us towards that. Television commercials and magazine ads encourage us to live self-centered lives. Saw an ad for an expensive car … it read, “Go ahead. You can have it all.” A lot of really bright and well paid people stay up at night figuring out ways to promote leech-like living. Jesus gave us many warnings about the power of things and the human propensity for always wanting more. So did Howard Hughes. When he was asked how much does it take to make a man happy, he answered, “Just a little bit more.”
If this proverb speaks to us, it may be time to start identifying behaviors in our life that have a “feed-me, give-me” feeling to them. As God begins to show us areas of life where we are always wanting and demanding more, we want to give those up to Him and pray for a contented and generous spirit.
Which leads us to our next and last parable. God always gives us an antidote to our foolishness. And the antidote to taming the leech in us is Proverbs 19:17. Let’s read it together.
“He who is kind to the poor lends to the LORD, and he will reward him for what he has done.”
Remember Jesus said, “Whatever you did for the least of these … my brothers, my sisters … you did it to Me.” (Matthew 25)
It’s a remarkable statement: “He who is kind to the poor lends to the LORD.” When we are giving to the poor, in some sense, we are giving to God.
Now, maybe, our heart, our actions, on behalf of the poor have cooled off. After all, the economy is in turmoil, our stock values and home equity are shot … we can only afford to go out for dinner once a week. But this proverb says to us, “When you give to them, you give to God.” How can we say “No” to God? Maybe this is the proverb we want to take home with us, and pray that God will help us develop a generous spirit.

Last time, I asked us to pick a proverb for the week … memorize it … live it … and watch how it changes our life. Did we do it? If not, then pick Proverbs 19:24 to start. I challenge you to do it. Remember, Paul says in Roman 12:2; “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” This is how our minds get renewed … this is our part to play in the renewing of our minds.

Let’s pray.
Again, Father, we have studied Your proverbs … pearls of wisdom given to us that we may avoid folly and the empty end to which it leads us. May Your Spirit be with us and inspire us to renew our minds, that we may resist fitting into the pattern of this world … and fit into the plan Your have for each and every one of us.
Thank You for Your grace and love and wisdom.
And the people said, “Amen.

Sermon "Song of Songs, Part One" Pastor Bob

Here is Part One of Pastor Bob's current sermon series. Just type sermon in blog search box at top too see all that are posted. Enjoy...

Song of Songs – Part 1

Today we’re going to start our study of the book, the Song of Songs. For those who bring their Bibles, you’ll find it in the middle of the Bible – in the Old Testament. We’ll start with chapter one, verse one. Buckle your seatbelts – because this is going to get “racy.”

Let’s start with a word about the cast of characters. The central characters are a woman, who is called “the beloved” and a man, who is called “the lover.” Then there are friends of the woman. They are kind of a chorus. You might notice as you go through some versions of the Bible that there are captions letting you know who’s speaking. Those captions are not in the Hebrew text; they’re supplied by the interpreters to help us understand who is speaking at each point in the story.

Remember, this is a poetic book. And with all the poetic imaging thrown in, it’s sometimes hard to follow what’s going on. But, basically, there are three “movements” which help us follow the plotline of the story.

The first movement can be called anticipation. This runs from chapter 1, verse 1 through chapter 3, verse 5. As we read this section, we find a couple who are crazy in love with each other. They can’t wait to get together. They long for each other. But they’re not married yet, so they dream, fantasize, wait, and prepare for the big day!

The second movement, chapter 3, verse 6 and following, is a poetic, highly stylized description of a wedding. It’s a beautiful picture of commitment and covenant.

The third movement, chapter 5, verse 2, through the rest of the book, is a celebration of their love, romance, and the joy of covenantal sexual intimacy. It’s a great reminder that true romantic fulfillment begins on the wedding day, but certainly doesn’t end there!

Before we go on, let’s just say a few words about how to listen to this message.

Some of you here this morning are in marriages that are just terrific. Some may be in marriages that are quite painful. Some are here, but your spouse wouldn’t come to church with you. I’d like to request that if you’re married, you just ask this question as we walk through the text, “God, what do You have to say to me, as a spouse?” We all want to refrain from the temptation to think, “I wish that my spouse were here to hear these words.” Keep focused on what God has to say to you only.

And, again if you’re married, try to remember when your heart was most tender towards your spouse. Maybe it was at your wedding when you got married. Maybe it was at some other point in your relationship. But you remember what it was like to have a heart that’s tender.

Some here this morning are single, and it could be that marriage is a possibility for you. You want to ask God, “What do You have to teach me about the kind of marriage that would honor You and bring joy?” Maybe another question to ask is, “How can I support a married couple that I care about?”

Some here this morning have lost a spouse. You were married and your spouse died. Maybe part of what God wants to do with you is to share some moments of remembering, of saying “thank you”; and engaging in a combination of both grief over your loss, and being comforted by God.

For those who have walked through the pain of divorce, it may be that God wants to remind you of the tenderness and love that can exist between a man and a woman. God made this relationship to be “good” and wants us to remember the beauty of His perfect plan, even if our own experiences have not mirrored what God has in mind.

That’s just a word on how to listen as we go through this Scripture.

Let’s look at Solomon’s Song of Songs, verse 2. Just for the fun of it, let’s read the first phrase together. “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth …” (SS 1:2). This is a bold, introductory sentence. It’s a verse that I encourage Debbie to read quite often. This is not Leviticus. We’re in a whole different section of the Old Testament today.

Who’s talking here; the man or the woman? It’s not a trick question! “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth …” Who’s talking? The woman! Here’s why I point this out. We often think of the women of the Middle East , especially the ancient Middle East , as being quite prudish … with their veils and long robes. As we go through this poem, we’ll find that the woman has a level of desire and passion every bit as powerful as the man’s. And God is so pleased with this that He includes it in His holy Scripture.

In my childhood days, growing up in a Baptist church, I always heard the preacher say that this book was a kind of allegory of God’s love for the Church. Generally, people who say that have not read this book very closely. There is no indication for that view in the text at all.

Actually, it’s amazing to me that this book made “the cut” and was included in the Scripture; not because it’s not a great book … it is … but because it’s not like anything else in the Bible. It starts right out with kissing in the very first section and then really gets going! This is a raw, unabashed, uninhibited celebration of romance and sexual attraction and passion between a man and a woman. If we look at the text for what it is, there is no indication that this is an allegory about the Church, but an honest expression of love between two people.

Now, throughout Scripture we find many warnings, cautions and safeguards concerning the potential dangers of human sexuality when it is expressed outside a covenant relationship between a man and a woman. The Bible has many examples of what happens when people mishandle sexuality. Those are all important, and they bring a much needed balance to our understanding. But we won’t find any of that in this book. This book is a joyous celebration of the goodness of covenantal romance.

This book talks about a passion that is to be lived out in marriage and expressed in a way that honors God. But it is expressed with a directness and intensity that, frankly, is a little embarrassing. So, if, as we study this, I get a little sheepish and blush once or twice … be gentle with me. Okay? Back to the text.

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth--

for your love is more delightful than wine.

Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;

your name is like perfume poured out.

No wonder the maidens love you!

Take me away with you--let us hurry!

Let the king bring me into his chambers. (SS 1:2-4a)

Let’s stop there for a moment.

She says, “Your name is like perfume.” She’s captivated by his name. This happens with deep attraction. An honest moment here. Little confession. Women … how many of you ever liked a guy and tried writing your first name with his last name? Ever do that? One couple I did premarital counseling with … the guy confessed that he tried that a couple of times with the girls he liked. So, we’re kind of fascinated with the names of somebody we love.

But here, there’s more to it than just a fascination with a name, a label you get called. Throughout Scripture, a name, as many of you may know, generally refers to someone’s identity, reputation or character. So part of what this woman is saying, “His name is like a pleasing fragrance” … in other words, she is deeply drawn to the character of this man. He is a man of deep integrity and honesty and loyalty, and he can be trusted. We will find throughout the whole book this combination of tremendously powerful physical attraction and tremendously powerful attraction to the person’s character.

A little life application moment. There is a word here for every young person and every single person – whatever age. Be careful about whom you give your heart to. Be sure to examine their character closely and thoroughly. Be sure their name has a fragrance like perfume … and not manure. Some of the saddest stories you’ll ever hear involve people who develop a passionate attachment to someone with an untrustworthy character. Get to know their name … their character, their reputation … before you make any lasting commitments. And if you are married to someone with good name … celebrate! Tell them how grateful you are. Let them know how much it means to you. Okay?

We find out a little bit more about the identity of the man … again, this is the woman speaking.

Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock

and where you rest your sheep at midday .

Why should I be like a veiled woman

beside the flocks of your friends? (SS 1:7)

She tells us that he is a shepherd of some kind. Probably not real wealthy, but as we saw in verse 4, he is a like a king to her, and she wants to be with him.

The “lover” answers his “beloved.”

If you do not know, most beautiful of women,

follow the tracks of the sheep

and graze your young goats

by the tents of the shepherds.

Then he goes on to say …

I liken you, my darling, to a mare

harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh. (SS 1:8,9)

Okay. Let’s fast forward to today. Say you’re getting married, and your fiancé talks you into going with her to pick out the wedding dress. Of course, if you agreed to that, that’s mistake number one. But you go along.

She gathers up a couple of dresses, goes into the changing room, and comes out twenty minutes later with the dress of her dreams on. She asks that loaded question, “Honey, how do I look?” You pause, reflect, and carefully answer, “You look like a horse!” Mistake number two!

Let’s face it, in our day calling your beloved a horse is not a compliment! Even if you clarified by adding that she looked like she was harnessed to Pharaoh’s chariot. But in those days, Pharaoh’s horses were prized above all others. They were beautiful, powerful, magnificent animals. The woman would have taken these words as a flattering compliment. All through this book we want to realize that the images that seem strange to us were understood, then, in a positive light.

Just a word of caution, guys. If you’re going to lift compliments out of this book, make sure you translate them into today’s images. Don’t refer to your lover as a horse … say she looks like a tricked-out Harley … or somethin’.

Moving on. We want to notice a striking feature. It’s what we might call “the delight factor” in their conversation; the delight factor in the conversation of a man and a woman who love each other. Behind their words is a deep desire to build each other up. They get quite creative in how they do this and the words they use. But these are the words of a generous heart. Each has a deep longing to build up the other and celebrate who they are and their love for each other.

And I want to ask, if you’re married, do you have a generous heart towards your spouse?

Back to the text. The beloved is speaking.

I am a rose of Sharon,

a lily of the valleys. (SS 2:1)

Now, at first blush, that sounds a little conceited, doesn’t it. “I’m a rose – I’m a lily – look at me!” But Old Testament scholars tell us that in those days a rose was not like what we think of in our day. It wasn’t something you’d pay big bucks for at the florist’s. Actually, it was a common flower, a type of crocus, not considered beautiful or expensive. And the lily? The lily was a plain, everyday blossom … the kind of flower that any shepherd could pick up, smell, then toss aside. So, in her day, the words she used were quite modest. She is saying in effect, “I’m not that attractive. I’m just kind of average.”

But notice … there’s a kind of playful aspect to the banter that’s going on here. It’s a game. She’s saying “Oh, honey … I’m just ordinary and plain … not beautiful at all.” But all along she’s giving him an opportunity to say that he sees her in a much different light! Ever play that game? Ladies … ever put on a dress or a pair of slacks, walk out to your husband, and ask, “Do you think this makes me look fat?” Nah … you would never do that! Now, when that game is overdone, it can be manipulative … like fishing for compliments. But when it’s honest, it can open the door for mutual expressions of blessing and affirmation.

Think about it this way. Men, imagine that you are on date with a really attractive woman. Go ahead, say her name. “I’m on a date with …..” Now, if you’re a husband, by this time you should have leaned over to your wife and said, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world … and I would never want to go on a date with anyone but you, Snookims.”

Okay … imagine you are with a really attractive woman who says to you, “I’m really quite plain … not very attractive … don’t you think?” It’s really a playful way of saying, “I’m open to your expressions of love. I really am. I’ll receive them. I’m interested.”

And the lover responds by saying, “Like a lily among thorns” – because every other woman is a thorn compared to you, and it causes me pain even to look at them – “Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens.” (SS 2:2).

Another aspect of the relationship. “My darling” he calls her. It’s a pet name, among several, that he uses nine times in this book. She has a few pets name that she uses for him, as well. One contemporary psychologist notes that strong marriage relationships actually create what he calls a “culture of two.” A culture of two.

It’s expressed by things like special nicknames. He noted that the nicknames couples have for each other tend to come from one of three categories. Know what they are? Food, animals and body parts. Things like “sugar,” “honey,” “teddy bear.”

Or we’ll combine them with some real creative options like “sugar lips,” “honey bear,” “muffin ears,” … you get the idea.

Now, you’ll think I’m making this up. But C.S. Lewis writes about this in his book The Four Loves. Ever notice that some couples create a private love language that sounds like baby talk? Lewis notes that a scientist discovered that certain animals, including specific species of birds, do the same thing. They make infantile sounds normally made by young birds of their species when courting another bird. Lewis says the reason for this is because it’s the most tender language that we know. It expresses a tender heart. Some people use baby talk with their dogs. C.S. Lewis says this is really stupid! No, he didn’t say that. I said that!

Here’s a question for those who are married. Do you relate to your spouse with a generous heart or a stingy heart? Do you give sincere, authentic praise? Do you speak words that value and honor your spouse? Do you treasure secrets together – things that only the two of you hold and share? Do you build rituals into your lives? Do you create memories? Do you guard your culture of two? And if you’re single, and think marriage might be an option in your future, what would you like the culture of two to look like?

Okay … last section for the morning.

There is a classic phrase from the Song of Songs in chapter 2, verse 16. The woman says, “My lover is mine and I am his.” (SS 2:16) This is such an important declaration that it gets repeated almost verbatim in 6:3 and again in 7:10 . “My lover is mine and I am his.” To this day it is often used by Jewish brides at weddings. It’s a statement of possession. We belong to each other. This is not an unhealthy, controlling or jealous sense of belonging. This is an expression of the deep meaning of covenant.

Throughout the Old Testament we learned that God is deeply concerned about covenants. His covenant is, “I will be your God, and you will be My people.” In a similar way, the marriage covenant is, “My lover is mine and I am his.” When these words are pronounced between two human beings in marriage, they are saying, “There’s not much you can count on in this world. Your health may go south, your pension fund may collapse, your career may never look like what you hoped it would look like, and your appearance may change over the years, but you can count on one thing. As long as this heart is beating, it’s yours. I will not give my heart and body to anybody else in the way I give it to you.”

“For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.”

Sometimes when a relationship is going through hard times, and they all will, the best you can say is, “I’m not going anywhere.” “I’m not going anywhere.” In a world where everything seems dispensable, we need to commit that our covenants mean something. When times are hard and we feel like giving up, we want to remember that promise we made to our spouse, before God and family and friends, and we say again, “No matter how hard things get, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not giving up on you. We are in this marriage covenant together. And with God’s help, we can make it. Yes, we can!”

Let’s pray.

God, I just want to thank and praise You for the wonder and delight of Your Word. In it we find life, we find eternal life, and we find the delights of love. Help us to speak to each other with tender hearts. Let us delight in each other. And give us the commitment and strength of character to live out the promises made in our covenants with each other.

And the people said, “Amen.”

Pastor Bob's Sermon-"Song of Songs Part Two",

We will be posting Pastor Bob's sermon each week. As we build up an archive, just type in "sermon"in the search blog box at the top of this blog. In the future we hope to have an audio link.

Song of Songs – Part 2

Our last time together we started looking at the Song of Songs. You may remember that we divided up the book into three sections. The first is “anticipation.” The two lovers just can’t wait for their wedding day. Well, today’s the day! Chapter 3, verse 6 and following. The beloved is speaking here.

Who is this coming up from the desert

like a column of smoke,

perfumed with myrrh and incense

made from all the spices of the merchant?

Look! It is Solomon's carriage,

escorted by sixty warriors,

the noblest of Israel ,

Then it goes on with a description of the scene … down to verse 11.

Come out, you daughters of Zion ,

and look at King Solomon wearing the crown,

the crown with which his mother crowned him

on the day of his wedding,

the day his heart rejoiced. (SS 3:11)

This marks the transition to a kind of a wedding scene. There are disagreements among scholars as to how we understand this. Some people think that Solomon is the literal bridegroom being described. I believe that’s unlikely, for a couple of reasons.

We know from chapter 1, verse 7, that the groom was a shepherd; and of course, Solomon was not. Another reason is that the major theme of this book is the exclusiveness of the love between the man and the woman. “My lover is mine, and I am his.” Anybody remember how many wives Solomon had? 700. Smartest guy in the world. And 300 concubines. And the text never says, “My lover is mine … and hers … and hers … and 997 other girls.”

I believe it’s much more likely that Solomon is kind of a code name for the groom. Poetry often works that way. And the pageantry and the court imagery used here expresses something very important. He may be just a shepherd, but in the eyes of the one who loves him, he’s a king.

This is not just an illusion … smoke and mirrors. In God’s eyes, the world is not divided up into important people like Solomon and CEOs, and then unimportant people like shepherds. In God’s eyes, everybody bears His image. In God’s eyes, everybody was made to reign with Him. And true love enables us to see just a little bit of what God sees when He looks at us through the eyes of Christ. When we love somebody, we see the ragged shepherd … but we can also see the king or queen.

So many people in our world are good at seeing faults. When we’re married … seeing somebody up close … we can see their faults all day long if we want to. What do we look for? The shepherd … or the king?

Chapter 4, verse 1 and following. This is the lover speaking to his beloved.

How beautiful you are, my darling!

Oh, how beautiful!

Your eyes behind your veil are doves.

Your hair is like a flock of goats

descending from Mount Gilead .

Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn,

coming up from the washing.

Each has its twin;

not one of them is alone.

Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon;

your mouth is lovely.

Your temples behind your veil

are like the halves of a pomegranate.

Your neck is like the tower of David ,

built with elegance;

on it hang a thousand shields,

all of them shields of warriors.

Your two breasts are like two fawns, (SS 4:1-5a)

Everything real clear so far? Let’s just stop for a moment here, because this is the kind of imagery that tends to just bog folks down. So let’s take a crack at explaining these images … it will help open the book up to us.

He says, “Your eyes behind your veil are (like) doves.” Doves in that culture were prized, especially for their color. In the sun, they were kind of a translucent gray.

And when you look into somebody’s eyes, it’s a very intimate thing. It’s a soul gaze. Their eyes will tell you if they’re happy, if they’re sad, or if they’re beaten down by life.

When you are deeply attached to somebody … it could be a spouse, a child or a friend … you know the color of their eyes. You want to know what’s going on in their soul, so you look into their eyes.

This man has looked real deep into those eyes. Maybe there is a pair of eyes we haven’t looked at deeply for a long time. We need to do that. Take the time to do that.

He goes on: “Your hair is like a flock of goats.” Again, in our day, “goat head” is not a compliment. But in that culture, it made sense. When a large herd of goats came down a hill, they would wind around it in a way that looked quite striking and attractive from a distance. This was the lover’s way of saying, “You hair is thick and wavy. I love how it curls. It looks wonderful!”

Then he says, “Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin.”

What’s with the twin deal? Does she have too many teeth? Let’s think about their culture for a minute. How many of us have or had children? How many of us have helped the orthodontists put his own children through college? Think about life in those days. There were no dentists, no orthodontists, no toothpaste or toothbrushes, no braces, no flossing. That was a bad millennium for teeth. Everybody was missing teeth.

But her teeth were lovely. They were white. They looked like sheep that had just been shorn and washed. And there was a lower tooth for every upper tooth. Isn’t that more attractive when you have lowers that match your uppers? That’s where that twin “thing” comes in. That’s the whole idea … there’s a full set of teeth.

He compliments her head. “Your temples are like the halves of a pomegranate.” The idea here is that she has a symmetrical head, just like we talk about somebody having a good bone structure.

Then he talks about her neck. The neck was a symbol of strength. Even in our day we say something like, “Her head will not be easily turned by someone who comes along.” It’ a symbol of elegant strength.

Then he says, “Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.”

This is just weird. I think he got to this point and just lost it. You can go ahead and look up this one on your own. There’s definite meaning with all the gentleness and the things involved with fawns, but I’m not going to go there.

Now, here’s what’s going on. This guy is not just taking inventory here. This is an ecstatic celebration of the worth of the one he loves. And he is using images that would be deeply compelling to the Middle Eastern heart. He’s going on record saying, “This is how much I want you. This is how firmly I devote myself to you.”

Moving on … verse 8 and following. The Lover is still speaking.

Come with me from Lebanon , my bride,

come with me from Lebanon .

Descend from the crest of Amana,

from the top of Senir, the summit of Hermon,

from the lions' dens

and the mountain haunts of the leopards.

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;

you have stolen my heart

with one glance of your eyes,

with one jewel of your necklace.

How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! (SS 4:8-10a)

Now, we’ll notice that in this section, it’s the first time he uses the word “bride.” He repeats the phrase, “my sister, my bride.” That’s strange to us, but in that culture family ties were the most binding ties of all. Blood was definitely thicker than water. So he is saying, “My tie to you will be the most binding of all. All of the loyalties that would go into any relationship with a member of my own birth family, I now give to you.” This is where he’s making his wedding vow.

So, let me ask. How’s your vow going? When was the last time you really looked at your spouse? When was the last time you named things in which you delight? “I love your smile.” “I love your heart.” “I love the way your eyes light up.” “I love the way you make me laugh.” He does all this for her.

Now, this is taking place during the wedding … and then it moves right into the honeymoon. Look at verse 16. This is the response of the Beloved. Again, I wouldn’t read this, except it’s in the Bible. She says:

Awake, north wind,

and come, south wind!

Blow on my garden,

that its fragrance may spread abroad.

Let my lover come into his garden

and taste its choice fruits. (SS 4:16)

You do understand that when she’s talking about a garden, she’s not talking about a literal garden with sunflowers and rutabagas. This is a metaphorical way of saying, “Whew whee!”

They are rejoicing in the intimacy God has given them within the marriage covenant. The fact that this is recorded in Scripture teaches us that God rejoices in this also. After all, it’s His gift to us.

Let’s keep moving. Chapter 5. At the end of the first verse, after the Lover has responded to his bride, the friends give a toast to the bride and groom, cheering their intimacy and closeness.

Eat, O friends, and drink;

Drink your fill, O lovers. (SS 5:1a)

About the role of the friends. Marriages don’t occur in vacuums. When we think about friends who are married, we want to ask ourselves, “Is their marriage stronger and better because I’m their friend?”

Praying for them is good start. God invites us to cheer and affirm when a marriage is strong and heading in the right direction. We can encourage our married friends, listen to them, and respond in ways that builds hope. If a marriage is in trouble, we can encourage our friends to seek out a good Christian counselor. When a marriage is doing well, we can rejoice with our friends. Every marriage needs a cheering section.

Chapter 5, verse 2. In the flow of the story, at this point the wedding is over. We don’t know how much time has past. Look at verse 2.

I slept, but my heart was awake.

Listen! My lover is knocking: (SS 5:2a)

She probably slept uneasily, because she was missing her man. Then she hears him knocking on the door. The text goes on:

"Open to me, my sister, my darling,

my dove, my flawless one.

My head is drenched with dew,

my hair with the dampness of the night." (SS 5:2b)

What’s going here? He’s a shepherd. He’s spent the whole night out with his flock. He comes to the door and says, “I had to work late, dear. My head is covered with dew, but I’m home now.” Notice all the pet names he uses, “my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one.” Can we guess what’s on his mind?

And here’s her response in verse 3.

I have taken off my robe--

must I put it on again?

I have washed my feet--

must I soil them again? (SS 5:3)

In other words, “Do I have to get up and let you in?” This is an ancient Middle Eastern way of saying, “Not tonight, I’ve got a headache.”

Even in this Song, the marriage deal is not always easy. But, she changes her mind, opens the door, and now he’s gone. She can’t find him, so she goes looking for him. She tells her friends:

daughters of Jerusalem , I charge you--

if you find my lover,

what will you tell him?

Tell him I am faint with love. (SS 5:8)

And then her friends respond:

How is your beloved better than others,

most beautiful of women?

How is your beloved better than others,

that you charge us so? (SS 5:9)

In other words, “What makes your man so hot, girlfriend?”

And she gives them another one of those long, metaphorical descriptions of why she loves him so much, and reaffirms once more, “I’m his and he’s mine.”

A little personal aside here. She says, “My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand.” (SS 5:10) Know what “ruddy” means? It means he had a red face. Know who else had a red face in the Bible? King David! It says in 1 Samuel 16:12; “So he sent and had (David) brought in. He was ruddy, with a fine appearance and handsome features.” So, for guys like Matt and me, we’d be considered handsome in the ancient Middle East because of our red faces.

Anyway …

Finally, he comes home, and there’s more passion and more joy. And it all leads to a passage in the final chapter that I think are the most beautiful words about romantic love ever written. We’ll read them in a few moments. But to wrap this up.

The message of the Song at this point is this. The wedding day is not the end … it’s the beginning. Too many couples focus on the wedding day and the honeymoon and spend all their time getting ready for that one short, stressful, blissful moment. But a marriage lasts a lifetime. And even in the strongest, most passionate marriages there will be tough times.

Every couple needs to be ready for that. If we get married expecting perfect harmony, endless romance, and no conflict, we will be sadly disappointed. The issue isn’t will we face difficult times … because we will. The issue is how will we respond when those tough times come?

Those are the days when we need to receive God’s power and grace when ours is in short supply. Those are the times when we need our chorus of friends to support and encourage us. Those are the moments that we might seek out the help of a good Christian counselor to help us get perspective and the tools that will help us move forward and build a marriage that honors God and brings blessing to our hearts.

The Song of Songs knows all this. And after their tough time … the Beloved says:

Place me like a seal over your heart,

like a seal on your arm;

for love is as strong as death,

its jealousy unyielding as the grave.

It burns like blazing fire,

like a mighty flame.

And her Lover answers:

Many waters cannot quench love;

rivers cannot wash it away.

If one were to give

all the wealth of his house for love,

it would be utterly scorned. (SS 8:6-7)

This is a closing declaration that their love will be unquenchable. In a world where intimacy, romance, and relationships seem to get snuffed out by busyness, apathy, unresolved conflict, financial stresses, poor communication, and selfishness … we need to hear these words.

Love seems to get quenched each day. But it doesn’t have to. God wants us to be happy in our relationships. But it takes work, commitment, effort. It’s well worth it. So do it!

Let’s pray.

Heavenly Father, thank You for the wonder, the variety, the frankness of Your Word. We want to rejoice that You created us man and woman, and Your gift to us is intimacy and joy in the marriage covenant. Grant us the wisdom of Your Spirit, the power of Your love, and the joy of fellowship and communion that is Yours in the Trinity, that our lives and relationships honor what You have intended, bringing joy into our hearts, and giving honor to You.

And the people said, “Amen.”